Artist’s sketchbook blog in the form of a visual journal sorted by month.
In summer I spent of my days in solitude, while trying to reimagine my place in the world. I was willing to let go of everything that would be in the way of that, and got rather trigger-happy in getting rid of places and people that had been weighing me down for quite some time.
Read MoreMay brought change, colors, and bloom. I was experimenting with new versions of who I wanted to be, while still processing the darkness that had brought me there. And after seven years, I died my hair back to its original dark brown.
Read MoreSlowly coming out of my hibernation, April had me reconnecting with nature, colours, and a timid attempt to befriend my feminity. Since the old paradigms I had been operating under couldn’t apply anymore, a long, lonely journey began towards a different way of looking at myself and the world.
Read MoreDuring the snowstorms of early march my relationship finally reached its breaking point. In a haze of sensation, I was only able to extract myself with considerable effort. I fell onto a much-needed ground of meals in bed, my journaling practice, and the longterm friends who had survived that period of my life.
Read MoreI was struggling to balance the demands of my professional life and my relationship, which had suffocated me with its dark pull to the point of complete overwhelm. Frequent illnesses, accidents and trips to the emergency room for mysterious problems had started to become a normal part of our lives.
Read MoreThe romantic rush I usually experience in the winter season had cooled off somewhat during the long, dark month of January. I was deeply immersed in trying to understand myself and what I wanted from my relationships, while being sucked into a highly domestic life that felt more and more like a vortex of intense emotions.
Read MoreMy birthday month and the holidays had me thinking of my childhood, my ancestors, marriage and family, all tinted by the unnerving certainty that I would finally have a normal and respectable life after all.
Read MoreAs the cold and dark season drew closer, I had arranged myself somewhat with the difficulties of my relationship and its almost comfortable inevitability. Themes of domesticity and a familiar domestic suffering were dominant at this time.
Read MoreMy life starting revolving more and more around my highly charged but fragile relationship. Newly equipped with psychological knowledge, I was seeing everything through a lens of trauma and became a little bit too conscious of emotional patterns, which is, not conscious at all.
Read MoreIn the sweet spot between falling in loving and completely drowning in it, I went through a period of exuberant creativity which found its climax in the 2022 Erfurt Graphit Festival, a beautiful gathering that made me feel sane even though things were starting to slip.
Read MoreIn the cruelty of summer, and a newfound freedom to use public transport, my new relationship unfolded, but somehow it was fraught, like getting a plane off the ground. In a misguided attempt to overcome my fear of commitment, I was determined to do things differently this time, but scared of losing control, and at war with my own fear and desire.
Read MoreMy attempt at maturity in love didn’t last long, so after putting up some resistance I surrendered to dating the intriguing stranger due to undeniable chemistry. I was like a newborn deer at this time, eager to apply the psychological knowledge I had gained during the past few months, and to pay for my sins in the only way I knew.
Read MoreAfter returning from Turkey, a new love interest appeared: A total stranger from a faraway country who made his lack of familiarity with my culture up in intensity. But especially since I had recently gained some self-awareness, I did not feel stable enough for turbulences of this kind.
Read MoreThe feeling that hit me in Istanbul was very much the same one I had encountered 6 years prior, when I first did my art residency there: Like being on a ship, elated, but seasick with anxiety. Frantically trying to make sense of what I was experiencing, I finally became desperate enough to be honest and owned up to my year-long obsession with my former lover.
Read MoreIn April I went on a group trip to Istanbul, the great love of my twenties. Newly equipped with audiobooks about anxiety and more aware of my mental state than ever, I was determined to use this trip to tie up some loose end with the city and the man who had been another great love – that I had failed to ever fully engage with.
Read MoreMarch was dominated by new way of leading my life in an effort to create peace in my body, a new permeability towards the world, but in the same masculine style of doing things, because it was all I had ever known.
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