The exciting fear of being seen

Photo: @sophiamolek

Lately I've been wrestling with my conflicting feelings about being seen, which are a huge obstacle for me in sharing my work (but also a huge joy, and a very exciting desire) because I keep cycling through these periods of hiding and then pushing through and trying to show everything all at once. And that’s basically is hiding behind something else. And slowly, slowly, what I already knew is sinking in again, and it is this:

The point is not to act like I’m not scared, like I’m not unsure, like the sensation isn’t overwhelming in its intensity, like it doesn’t have an effect on me. But it’s also not to run away, to avert my gaze, to downplay my desire, *like it doesn’t have an effect on me.*

Yes, the intention is being present in the intense sensation, but I don’t have to make myself jump in all at once, all the way, in order to prove a point (that I’m experienced, that I’m confident, that I’m worthy of love). I don't have to prove that I'm not sensitive, I don't have to. This goal, if it even is a goal, for once, will not be achieved by pushing a boulder up a hill, but by letting it roll down.